Princes Familiar
by Kariko Emma
Summary: Papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar. Sakumo and Jiraiya. A collection of instances...one-shots, whatever.
1. Through the Gates

**Princes Familiar**

**Summary:** Sakumo and Jiraiya. A collection of instances of varying length and style. Also with Tsunade; …maybe Orochimaru at some point, and Sandaime...and whoever else I come up with.  
**Author's Note:** I love these two eternally (no, really Caliko? lol)—the title explains why. "Princes Familiar," is a song by Alanis Morissette; it captures my theme in every way: _Papa, love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar._  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the song; nor do I own Naruto, but I love him all the same.  
**Genre:** Humor!! Yay! (...Rated only for the language.)

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_**1. Through the Gates**_

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"…'eh, _Sakumotsu?"_

…

His eye winced. "What did you say?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

"Good, that's what I thought you said."

Jiraiya trudged along faithfully in silence for a few minutes…until he discovered a remarkable connection. "Oi, Sakumo—you know what this reminds me of?"

"…What?"

"Wading through the front gates of Hades."

Sakumo rolled his eyes. "A little mud and here you go again…"

"No, no, I'm serious—" Jiraiya stopped him with a vine-scratched hand and pointed in imagination through the infinite web before them. "And here…" he said lowly. "The gates swing wide—and from the abyss comes…Sakumo and Jiraiya!"

Slowly, the former looked at him with some skepticism. "Somehow I'm not quite seeing this…"

Jiraiya frowned. "Oh well," he shrugged.

The two continued the trek through the jungle maze, aiming for the borderline that was the clearing—if there was such a thing. Sakumo supposed that was where Jiraiya's metaphor came in; a week of this jagged, tangled landscape did seem harsh, but he wasn't about to complain. It was a part of their mission, and now it was over. Just another kilometer, or so…

"Oi, oi—Sakumo,"

_"…What?!"_

"I wonder…where's our sin wagon?"

"Jiraiya, are you smiling?"

Jiraiya was grinning.

And it was so infectious, Sakumo smiled; "'Don't know—why, do we need one?"

"Well, I do," said Jiraiya, stepping over a rotted log.

"Are you sure we should be having this discussion?" Sakumo shook his head. "You seem awfully pessimistic—this isn't October country, exactly."

Jiraiya paused for a second. "Well what country do you define this as?"

"Kusa—nearly towards the south border."

"Sakumo, that's what you said yesterday…"

"Oh have some faith; we'll make it there eventually…" Jiraiya rolled his eyes, but Sakumo continued. "Assuming we don't get ambushed, eaten, clawed, poisoned, or otherwise incapacitated."

Jiraiya scoffed. "_Now_ who's the pessimist?"

But Sakumo smiled. "I see it."

Jiraiya looked ahead. "You do not."

"I do too—fifty meters; wanna bet?"

"Well…Tsunade always loses, so what chance do I have…?" Jiraiya swiped away a low-hanging vine and in that instant, he saw him sprint on ahead. "Oh you…" Jiraiya muttered a colorful metaphor.

In a rush of the following, Jiraiya clumsily tripped from the jungle scene and landed on something soft he knew as grass. Sakumo helped him up, and Jiraiya noticed there was a person running up to them. It wasn't just any person—it was Tsunade.

"Sakumo…" said Jiraiya, in weary awe, "I think I see an angel."

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**Dedication:** To all the guys who see their girls as angels.

...

(And if any of you do, PM me.)

...

(Just kidding...XD...)

_-Caliko_


	2. Do or Die

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note:** I based this one loosely on a wild adventure from Youth: A Narrative, by Joseph Conrad.  
**Dedication:** Marlow, my hero wanderer of the sea.

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_2. **Do or Die**_

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"Goddammit, we're stuck on a yacht."

"Would you _please_ stop saying that!"

"It's true!" he said, looking at the wooden deck. "And what's that smell—?"

"Oh shut it," hushed Sakumo. He spoke lowly, "They've been extremely generous in letting us ride to Kiri."

Jiraiya mocked the voice with comedic, sea-salty air, "Aye; aye, now where didst I put the flask…"

Sakumo jabbed—no chakra involved—him, and got up to look over the edge. Jiraiya sighed and did so as well. Suddenly, beneath his mask, Sakumo scrunched his nose. "Come to think…" he wondered curiously. "It almost smells…like paraffin or something."

"Aye?" came the Director—the ship's captain. He was a gruff, older man, who looked like he'd been churned in the sea some thirty odd years and then come to life.

Sakumo turned in embarrassment. "I'm only—"

"Aye!" The man's crystal blue eyes shocked open with a realization those years of experience gave him. He turned around on the deck and hollered to the first man he saw. _"MA-HON!" _Though he pronounced it Mann. _"GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE!"_

The young man, his first mate, backed off in confusion.

It was then, just below the deck, the cargo blew.

Sakumo and Jiraiya hardly knew what had happened to the other side of the boat when they started hearing, _"TURN HER! TURN HER AFT!"_

Narrow ribbons of flame danced up from the hold.

The crew compliment was not large. Mahon, saved by his captain's diversion, reached for the wheel to turn around, also by the captain's command. The wind was to blame for diverting the hint of smoke—by turning the other way, they hoped to save the sails. The captain saw to it his other two mates were in engaged in saving the rope and all else, and then made his way to the ninja. He shrugged loosely in a striking nonchalantal manner. "Sorry boys," he said. "But we seem to be on fire."

Sakumo and Jiraiya only exchanged somewhat bewildered glances.

The Director did not look over his shoulder at the puffy smoke monster rising from the back of the boat. He continued. "I recommend you take the boat and head for Kiri that way."

Sakumo eyed the smoke. "…As I understand it, you only have one boat to spare, and I'm not willing to—"

"Ah-ha-haa!" The Director laughed. "Don't think of it! We can handle ourselves!"

…Jiraiya laughed too in the wild hysterics of the moment.

Instantly Sakumo elbowed him; he looked on in earnest. "What can we do?"

Jiraiya stopped laughing.

Two rather frantic hours and fifty bucket pails of water later, Jiraiya collapsed on the fore of the wooden deck, that was still very much intact. "Goddammit, we're stuck on a yacht."

"Oh don't say that," scolded Sakumo, brushing off his sleeves.

"Aye aye, 'least she's not on fire," Mahon crouched down to knock on wood. "Praise God it didn't catch the sails," Half the young man's face was blackened by soot; much more worse for wear than all the others. "So," he smiled crookedly. "You men enjoying your ride?"

"Deliriously," promptly answered Jiraiya; tired out of his wits.

Sakumo smiled apologetically. "Don't mind him—He's rarely pleased by anything."

Mahon grinned, studying him. "It might interest you to know I saved a bottle of wine."

Jiraiya perked.

"Twenty years—at least."

Jiraiya stood. "You need help with anything else?"

Mahon laughed. "Aye, this way," he led.

Sakumo turned around at the sound of footsteps.

The Director grimaced. "Sorry about your ride. We'll be delayed as long as the winds stay. The pressure's going down though, so it may change tonight."

"It's quite all right—Can you…" Sakumo looked on at the fire-gouged hole by the stern, and felt like an idiot for asking, "Can you still function on that?"

"Ah-ha-haa! he laughed—heartily, no less. "If you only knew the half of what the old girl's been through!"

"So you've...been with her a while?"

"Aye, she was my first command when the steamer sank."

Sakumo blinked.

"Oh youth," he smiled. Like before, the captain changed attention abruptly. "Thank ' ee's for helping us—not to pick on you folks but, but carrying ninja isn't something we like to do. You two…you two are different, not at all like the others—I haven't carried many, but we hear stories. 'Fishermen lose their boats quick."

"That would be…discouraging."

"Aye. But you two, you have my honest word you're welcome to sail with us anytime…" he cocked his head at the tragedy in the rear. "…Providing she stands."

He smiled. "Thank you."

Sakumo watched Jiraiya on the far end with Mahon and the two other mates, opening up that bottle and passing it around. Suddenly without warning, the captain had to ask, "Do you drink, Mister Sakumo?"

Sakumo considered. "Only on Sundays."

"Well!" he announced, gazing briefly up at the sky. "I have Sunday on my time; what's say we get to it?"

Sakumo grinned. "Aye."

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_-Caliko_


	3. Secret Agent

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note:** I owe the idea of this to a few of my favorite mystery books, and the humor of this to Tahle, for challenging me to do the whole character…thing…whatever it was…XD

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3.**_ Secret Agent_**

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"_Jiraiya!_ Keep _still!"_

"You're the one who's moving…" he mumbled under her weight. "Are you done yet?"

"Yeah—put me down."

Tsunade dropped off his shoulders and as she looked at the various shades of pink on his face, her fist instantly came down upon his head as proper retribution. She turned to her commander. "I could see at least thirty of them, Sakumo-san."

"Hm…" he sounded. "That _is_ a problem."

Jiraiya caressed his head and muttered something.

Tsunade spun around. "Me? Leave? 'How's about we leave _you_ in a ditch!"

"Tsunade-himé we're already in a ditch," came Sakumo's voice through a clouded, solution-picking mind.

Jiraiya grinned. "Whatcha gonna do now, Tsunade-chan?" he taunted playfully.

But before Tsunade could answer with her fist, Sakumo solved it for them. "You're going to get married," he stated.

Her jaw dropped, and dumbfounded, she pointed to herself. "Me?"

"Yes. You two will act as a newly married couple."

Jiraiya, equally bewildered, asked, "And who will you be?"

"I am your suspicious companion you met in rice country."

Tsunade blinked. "…Suspicious?"

"Yes. You must act like you don't trust me."

"Why?" asked Jiraiya.

Sakumo leaned in closer to explain. "By acting that way, they won't suspect your secret attempt to get the scroll."

"Y-you're going to distract thirty guys?" Tsunade asked.

"Of course—and you're going to be in disguise."

"What about you?" asked Jiraiya.

"Oh come on," Sakumo grinned, pointing to his mask, "Nobody trusts a face like this."

Tsunade and Jiraiya exchanged glances, but went along with it anyway.

After all, it was a good plan.

.

_"Why couldn't I be the lawyer?"_ he muttered to his wife—Tsunade—all of which in plainer clothes; their headbands in their pockets.

"Honestly…" She fumbled on the word to get into role. "My _otto_, you have a writer's sweet, delusional face," she jeered (affectionately).

"And what about you, stranger?" Jiraiya asked behind him. "What's your name?"

"Nohara," said Sakumo.

Jiraiya sniggered.

Tsunade was smiling too, but as they walked around the bend, the campsite came into sight, filled with thirty Kusagakuré ninja. "Here we go, guys…" she muttered slowly.

"You have nothing to be fearful of, my dear," announced her 'husband', "I will protect you with my life."

"Oh that's brave of you, Mr. meek and humble writer," she glared deviously.

"Smile—Tsunade," he said quietly, studying the ninja. "They need to know we're friends, at least."

"Oh, I'm smiling…" she muttered.

As they walked along the uneven path, one of the ninja stopped them. "We're going to have to detain you," he eyed in suspicion. "This is restricted area—state your business."

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "I am Jiro. My wife and I are merely passing through."

"For what purpose?"

"I am to meet my publisher in the next town—I'm a writer."

The ninja nodded to the masked guy in the back of their little trio. "An' who's he?"

"He calls himself Nohara," offered Tsunade. "He says he was going the same way."

"Well, we're still going to have to detain you and check your story. Come with me," he said.

When he wasn't looking, Tsunade rolled her eyes.

.

The sun went down over the jungle and the plains—the campsite being nestled between both. The…'wandering passers-by' were sitting by one of the fires. Tsunade ('Mrs. Deguchi') wondered at what point Sakumo was going to break out the clown suit and teeny little car(s).

Her 'husband', Jiro, was talking to the captain—the same ninja who'd stopped them, about what kind of pens he used. ("Oh yes, I get mine from pen country." "Really?" "Oh yes. Splendid quality…")

She'd been eying the tents in mere curiosity. Tsunade figured the tent that was closet you them—ten meters on her 'husband's' right—the one with four guards around it, must hold the little scroll they were after. The little scroll that held not only a map of Kusa's outer lying areas, but with it, the passages of the north and beyond. It would be a valuable thing for Konoha. The possibility of a termination of warfare was possible if the right places were hit near Kumo, and more so, Iwagakuré. And as Tsunade was gazing off in the distance, 'Jiro's' own voice lulling her into sleep, she suddenly felt a hand fisching by her side.

She perked, and Jiraiya turned aside.

Sakumo held the 'document' long enough for Jiraiya to notice.

Suddenly, he gasped. "M-My _manuscript!"_

Sakumo started running.

"I know he was up to no good—_Goddammit!"_ Jiraiya ran after him. "_Thief! Come back!!"_ 'Jiro' shot a glance back to his wife. "Stay there, my love!"

Mrs. Deguchi blinked.

The ninja around the captain looked around in confusion as to what they should do. The captain started running after the men.

Sakumo looked behind him and saw a few other underlings join the captain. Instantly, he produced a couple kunai and took two paralyzing shots.

That got the rest of their attention.

Keeping it believable, Nohara the thief threw another two hastily throw kunai, both missing Jiraiya by a few yards. "Thief!!" Jiraiya called, trying to gain on him. Suddenly, Sakumo veered around, fully attempting to distract thirty men—not with a clown suit or other musical display, but with paper bombs on kunai. Ten of them.

Tsunade saw the explosions and stood. _Nice, Sakumo…_

"Stay here, ma'am," said a ninja behind her. All four of them went to help their comrades.

She nodded with a frightened look on her face. And as they ran, slowly, she slipped away into the unguarded tent.

Tsunade found their precious scroll, and came out, saw the battle continue, and then made a run for it into the jungle.

Sakumo saw her leave in the distance, so he knew it was about tome to wrap up his fireworks display. He had avoided close combat at all costs, but currently, ten of them just wouldn't leave him along. So, he'd retreated all the way back to the hill in front of the ditch where he'd planted a paper bomb before they'd left. Sakumo gathered his chakra and sprang unpin the hill, detonating it.

The blast cued the poor writer Jiro to get the hell out of there, too.

"What…the _fuck?"_ breathed the captain, as the two disappeared.

Someone said, "They're getting away!"

"Well after _them!!"_ he barked, and instantly realized something. "The woman…" he said, looking back. "Where's the woman?"

Someone behind him shrugged.

_"Goddammit!"_ he cursed. "We've been _had!!"_

.

They'd run for what seemed like forever.

"Think…think we lost 'em?" Jiraiya panted.

"Well…" Sakumo breathed. "It's hard to lose thirty men…"

Jiraiya laughed wearily. "You're right…Dammit, where's that Tsunade?"

Sakumo raised his gaze and stumbled backward and collapsed.

"Hello, sir," she smiled, flashing the scroll in her pocket. "Mission successful!"

"Tsunade!"

"Tsunade-himé!"

"Boy, you two sure look beat," She looked over Sakumo. "You especially, Sakumo-san."

"Um…yeah," slowly, he stood. "Come on, let's move. The more distance, the better."

The two nodded, and off they went.

Mrs. Deguchi could have sworn she was under her husband's affectionate stare the entire way.

Nohara looked suspicious.

Very, very suspicious.

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-Caliko


	4. And Now For a Word

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note:** I'm so sorry for the wait! This one has it's roots from a different work back in early '07 that I never finished. The premise was sort of similar to PF, only it was Jiraiya being really angsty and recollecting...and I'll leave it at that. **: )**

In short, Sakumo has a mathematics problem. (Don't we all?)  
Kudos goes to Marcus…XD

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_4. **And Now For a Word**_

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He stood overlooking the valley.

"It's not that I make friends with them…rather…" Sakumo shifted his gaze standing high upon the shaded hill. "It's that I don't make enemies with them," And if Jiraiya can say so himself, that was a clear-cut snap-shot of typical Sakumo on the battlefield. It was a battlefield too—or about to be. It was on a half-forested strip of borderland with Kusa, and they were waiting to see various squads of ninja arrive. They were to halt their advance on the land by any means necessary, buying time for the evacuation of civilians which Tsunade was off directing. This kind of delay usually meant preluding tactics, in which they'd taken care to set up perimeter barriers and all kinds of traps in the tangled forest on the horizon. But in short, Jiraiya openly declared that was biggest load of 'bs' he'd ever heard. And beside him, the only chuunin to have made it with them this far with them, had the vacant, sea-shell look of wonder across his face when Sakumo continued, "Believe what you will, Jiraiya…"

Casually, he glanced back to the chuunin, fastly recognizing that (amusingly) dumbfounded, 'hold my head into your ear and you'll hear the sea' look. And so Jiraiya folded his arms and lowly muttered, mockingly, "Believe what you will, Sakumo…and shove it up your—"

And wanting to be in on it and totally awesomely cool, the chuunin piped up: "Amen to that, brother!" he said with a little naïve smile.

He got two, slightly dead-panned looks from the highest level of shinobi Konoha had to offer.

…The chuunin quickly withdrew himself and wished he could have taken the words back out of the air and kept his mouth shut.

Restoring their glances, Jiraiya poked at the grass after a moment, and Sakumo shifted again, intently watching the horizon line. It wasn't exactly the best time for a philosophical discussion, but Jiraiya got to thinking when, after a few moments of silence—during which the chuunin thinking of how to conversationally redeem himself, Sakumo abruptly caught the two's attention with…: "Now…if twenty come through," he supposed. "If I can occupy half, that'll only leave five."

Jiraiya blinked as soon as the mathematics didn't quite come out right, and the chuunin looked equally puzzled. "Sakumo…" said Jiraiya. "I think you didn't subtract correctly…"

"Hm?" Sakumo folded his arms, genuinely confused with the sudden uproar attacking his impervious genius. "What do you mean?"

"Well…excuse me, but where I come from, half of twenty leaves ten."

"Ah…but where you come from is not near as exciting as where I come from."

"I guess so…" he played. Jiraiya shook his head, trying to ward off the world's largest migraine. "Refresh my memory, Sakumo…" He tried to knead his forehead of the insanity. "You were born…?"

"Quite a while ago," he was proud to announce seriocomically. "In Konohagakure," he memoired, "Lovely parents, really—"

"Yeah yeah, ok ok," Jiraiya blurted. "Shut the hell up, would you?"

Sakumo shrugged. "Hey, you asked."

"Yes, well, we all make mistakes."

Beside them, the chuunin smally frowned and nodded.

And then up ahead, they saw part of the landscape move in the distance. "This is it," announced Sakumo, playing Captain Obvious. "They'll be here."

The chuunin rose up mechanically and gulped. Nervously, he tried his hand again at communication. "Y—You said only five guys, right…?"

And even though the young ninja couldn't see it, Sakumo was grinning back at him as he nodded reassuringly. Jiraiya pursed his lips, rolling his eyes, and he muttered to the chuunin, "See that look he's giving you? It proves his insanity. You don't have to wonder anymore."

Sakumo cocked his head. "You call _me_ insane? Over our current situation?"

"Well don't they say to make peace before you die?" he grinned back.

"Very funny…Then since we're being frank, let me just say, Jiraiya, that hot pink is _definitely_ your color."

Quite suddenly, Jiraiya gasped, taking in enough air for several nuclear blowfish; all the while his face turning that…designated color. He was about to hit him squarely and finally, perhaps, put to _bed_ that old joke when he remembered they had a job to do. He prodded a finger into him and muttered, "I'll kill you later." Sakumo would have laughed had it not been so restricting to do so. And Jiraiya could have sworn he saw that wide amused smile Sakumo hid so often.

They'd have probably called him nuts. Or insane. Or both.

Well Amen to that, brother.

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-_Caliko_


	5. Our Friend Klang

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note:** I bet you can only guess as to which show I wrote this one soon after…lol! (Oh if only they'd have had a dvr…XD…) 'Le...I hope this helps you! XD

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_5. **Our Friend Klang**_

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"I don't think we should be doing this," murmured Tsunade in the darkness.

"You afraid, Tsunade-_chan?"_

She hit his elbow, always aiming for the funny bone even though it never worked. "Well…we're _ninja_, not ghostbusters."

Sakumo hushed them. "You hear that?"

Tsunade looked around. "Hear what?"

Jiraiya perked. "Sounds like…breathing," he said ominously in her direction.

Tsunade shied away. "I'll be breathing down _your_ neck in a second here, buddy," she warned, mostly for her own sake. "I can't _believe _you two had to drag me along," she muttered in resentment.

"The ghost could be hurt," Jiraiya offered.

"It's already _dead!"_

There was a loud bang.

They hovered in silence until Jiraiya said, "I think you made it angry."

"Oh fuck off—"

"This way," Sakumo led. "I think came from down here."

Jiraiya followed, and Tsunade tread behind him in perfect distance at all times as if she were on an invisible leash; Jiraiya did not seem to mind.

"Well," said Sakumo, stopping. "Is…there anyone here?" he asked into the void.

Silence—Tsunade inched closer to Jiraiya.

Sakumo looked around. "My name is Sakumo—this is Jiraiya and Tsunade. We only want to talk to you."

"Oh this is stupid…" Tsunade tensed.

"Think of the money…" whispered Jiraiya, smiling.

"Oh screw the mission. This is ridiculous."

"Could you please let us know you're here?" asked Sakumo into the well of darkness. Jiraiya's flashlight swept across the empty hall. Sakumo looked around. "Maybe…make a noise or something?"

In the distance, they heard a klang.

Finally, Tsunade tugged on Jiraiya's arm. "Oh let's go—it was the pipes."

In the distance, there was another klang.

She held on tight.

Sakumo glanced at Jiraiya, who only shrugged. The shiroi kiba shifted. "Could you do that one more time please?"

_Klang._

…

Tsunade waved in place like a quivering leaf.

Sakumo looked at Jiraiya. "Uh…let's ask it something."

"Like what?"

"Well I'm sure it doesn't like being referred to as 'it'."

Jiraiya nodded. "…Can you tell us your name?"

_Klang._

…

They blinked.

Finally, Sakumo cleared his throat. "Have you been here long—one for yes, two for no."

…

_Klang._

Tsunade had lost all self control as her fists balled Jiraiya's clothing. The guy made a pretty good shield, she'd give him that. "S-Sakumo-san…the _pipes—"_

_Klang._

"Maybe…maybe it's—he's—she's talkative…" Jiraiya said slowly.

Sakumo folded his arms. "Are you a man or woman—man once, woman twice."

…

_Klang._

…

"Ok…" murmured Jiraiya. "_He's_ talkative."

…

_Klang._

Sakumo grinned. "I'll take that as a yes," he looked back to Tsunade, half-cowering from behind Jiraiya. "Tsunade-himé," he said softly. "Ask him something."

She shot a glare at her captain but cleared her voice of the tension anyway. "W-were you—"

There was a loud bang.

Jiraiya eyed her from the side. "I think it wants you to apologize," his grin was crooked.

_"Apologize—?"_ She rolled her eyes…and conceded immediately. "I'm sorry…sir," she said. "W-were you here during the first great war?"

…

_Klang._

"That's a yes…" said Sakumo. "We've heard…we've heard people say you make some noise and spook them. Is that you just having fun? Are you all right?"

…

…

"Sakumo," whispered Jiraiya. "I think you asked it too many questions—"

_Klang._

Sakumo and Jiraiya instantly smiled.

Tsunade was in awe—she straightened and loosed her grip. "So…are you…content here?"

_Klang._

She smiled as well, even though she shivered.

"Well…" said Sakumo. It was evident this quirky ghost of the past meant no harm whatsoever. "Thank you for speaking to us," he looked to Jiraiya. "Shall we call it a night?"

He nodded. "Sure—"

_Klang_—_klang._

The shinobi suddenly perked like a trio of rabbits.

"Well…we're sorry," said Jiraiya. "But it's late."

Tsunade kept her eyes shifting around in front of her, over Jiraiya's shoulder. "A-Are you lonely?"

_Klang._

…

"We can't be here all night," said Sakumo, into the void. "We really aren't much to entertain anyway."

"You'll be all right—" started Jiraiya.

_Klang klang._

"It'd…" Tsunade shook her mind off the utter creepiness. "It'd be easier if we could see you…"

…

"Well…" said Sakumo, turning around. "Thank you," he started walking. "C'mon, let's g—" But as he glanced to Jiraiya, he saw the flashlight skip to the wall revealing a GIANT, OUT OF PLACE SHADOWY FIGURE BUT ONLY FOR A SECOND…!

"HOLY-WHAT—THE—_WHAT…!?"_

…

"D—did you see that?!" Taken aback, Sakumo pointed four yards in front of him.

Jiraiya suppressed immediate laughter. He spoke into the air. "He'd like it if you played another trick on him."

"Cut it out! I saw…I saw something…" Sakumo slowly backed away.

Tsunade suddenly squeaked.

Jiraiya saw her flinch. "What?"

"S-something just pulled my pant leg…oh…not me, sir, _Sakumo_-san!"

Jiraiya grinned as he asked, "I bet you think this is funny, don't you?"

_Klang._

"I do too."

Suddenly, Jiraiya felt a distinct flick on his ear.

_"Yiee!"_ he said. "Uh…uh—it has been fun!"

"But we really should go…" Sakumo filled in as the three started retreating.

"We promise we'll come back sometime," said Tsunade, genuinely.

_…Klang._

The three smiled and got the hell out of there.

And about a month or so later, Tsunade marked the day to go back. And when she asked Jiraiya if he could make it, he teased her with one word:

Klang.

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-_Caliko_


	6. Stability

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note:** I had this crazy idea for Tsunade and Sakumo for a one-shot quite a while ago, and as I waited, it found it's way in here, and I have no objections…  
(Please try to avoid rock clichés in your review, though it would make me laugh…)

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_6. **Stability**_

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Tsunade looked down to Sakumo and, idly, wondered when he might wake up.

Tsunade also looked to the rock and their newfound hard-place and, idly, wondered why and how she could have been so incredibly stupid.

There were two rocks to mock her conscience. One of which protruded from the left edge of the cliff like a cornerstone, and the other a mirror reflection. Like two pillars, they stared at her, piercing her wall of composure until she looked up to the sky and momentarily admired the few fair-weather clouds. But like statues, they silently mocked her dim intellect with internal eyes from behind. Why she did not realize the seals placed on them, she did not know. The Iwa ninja had placed another two seals beyond them on another two jagged protrusions in an obvious perimeter barrier.

Damn perimeter barrier.

They were trapped on a cliff.

And it was long, long, long ways down.

And Tsunade, after one look, chose not to look again.

And so she passed the time looking at Sakumo.

Tsunade did not know where the ninja had waltzed off to, if at all. Sakumo had injured him seriously, though not without a reverse cost on himself. It was almost like they were either being saved for later like some scrap off the table, or they were just going to be left there until they either died of extreme boredom, or of insanity by way of jumping off the amazingly high cliff. Sakumo would probably be tempted by that idea, but Tsunade would rather geronimo into boredom any day.

And finally, the injured one moved.

"Sakumo-san!" she said as he came to.

He sat upright, and instantly started looking around.

"He's gone. We're trapped," she explained in a matter-of-fact, bleak as walls way.

"…Hm," was all he said, as if what she said hadn't been so definite. He evaluated the dim pain of the wounds on his arms as, slowly, he rose up, finding his balance.

"It's a perimeter barrier. There's no way around it," she said glumly. "We're stuck."

He walked to the edge of the cliff.

Some bonsai-like trees and jagged settlements were merely dots and specks of tan in the gaping canyon. Open blue sky was the only horizon line they could see, like a misleading ocean in someplace so warm. It was just too far down to even consider descending physically. "…Hm," he said again lazily. "Well…I'm game for jumping, how about you?"

"Oh please—don't start…" she rolled her eyes.

"Maybe we could catch the breeze," he offered.

Tsunade looked at him. "Or a bird."

"Now that's the spirit," Sakumo turned around to look at the crazy mess of a dilemma. He walked up and studied the seals. Then, he walked to each side of the cliff, inspecting where their lovely cornerstones sat.

He was making her nervous. "Sakumo-san…" she said slowly. "What are you doing?"

"I'm checking which side is wider past the seals."

"…" She blinked. "What? Why…?"

"Damn…" he murmured, standing on the left side. Sakumo turned around and walked back the right side where he cocked his head as if to try and change it's appearance. Extending past the rock hold the seal there was only a range of about an inch to barely a foot of moving room like a tiny frill of lace before the second seal. Once he made it to that point, he could easily get back up and disable the barrier. Still, he estimated it was over twenty feet of grande old clinging for dear life.

Damn did not sound good. In fact, to her knowledge, it was never mean as an interjection of joy. "Sakumo-san, please don't do anything crazy," she said.

Well, he kinda did.

Sakumo crouched down and swung himself off the ledge.

Tsunade jumped up like a rabbit and hopped aside to peer over the side of the cliff. "Are you _CRAZY?!_ COME BACK HERE! _COME BACK HERE NOW, BAKA!!"_

The command did sound good after the first couple seconds, but concentration kicked in and there was no going back. "Relax," he said, finding his grip by chakra. "I can do this."

"Like freaking _hell_ you can!" she seethed. "Sakumo-san, come back! I can relieve you, you know if I find you medically incapable, which I _do_ right now!"

"…You think I'm crazy?"

_"Obviously!"_ She covered her face with her hands when she saw Sakumo faltering. _"Oh…"_ she swayed anxiously. _"You idiot man,"_ Tsunade muttered to herself in solace. _"Idiot..!"_ She peeked at his progress, and saw he hadn't advance more than five or six inches. "Sakumo-san…"

"…The view is incredible," he teased.

She muffled her inward, agonizing scream somewhere in her throat like a dramatic lozenge. _"I bet you haven't looked down once!"_ she cried furiously, watching him move with care.

"…I keep looking at my feet—does that count?"

She felt giddy enough to twirl. Instead, Tsunade growled. "You've just become _more _insane than Jiraiya! _Sakumo-san…!"_ she pleaded in vain. She tracked his movements fixedly through the open slits of her fingers. One wrong would leave him without much hope.

"…Great," he said, trying to fix a new hold. "…I'll take that as a compliment…But I'm sure…he won't like the change in title."

Tsunade scoffed. "Oh, yeah, sure—"

She watched him start to slip when he was reaching half-way with only a six inch ledge. Inversely, she felt the sweat build in her palms and suddenly she hoped he was his calm, cool, collected self. Tsunade shut her mouth and her eyes and subconsciously said half a dozen prayers on Sakumo's behalf.

Sakumo found another hold, keeping his chakra steady. And after a hesitation in the form of a rest, he looked down for somewhere to place his feet. "…You can look now, captain Tsunade."

"…Sakumo-san!" she peeked. "_Never_ do _that_ again!!" she scolded.

"…Working on…: Never doing _that_ again…" he repeated faithfully.

_"Augh!"_ Tsunade mentally twirled in exasperation. "You're taking ten years off my life, I hope you know that."

"…I'm taking five years off my life just _listening_ to you," he muttered aloud.

Sarcastically, she spat, "Oh, well, forgive _me_, Sakumo-san…"

"…Apology accepted…"

She tried rolling her eyes of the insanity. "I'm not looking," she announced.

"…That's fine."

Which only aggravated her to look, when, once again, Sakumo was unmoving and hanging still. However, as soon as she blinked he found another hold to carry him alongside the vertical ledge. It was widening a little, so he moved a little more steadily to her small relief. And after what seemed like hours of the trials of making it past the second seal, he was faced with the supreme dilemma of being so weakened when all he had to do now was get himself back up on the cliff and parade himself the most insane person alive, probably much to Jiraiya's despair.

Tsunade shut her eyes. _Come on, come on you idiot; come on…_

And when she opened them, he was safe. Collapsed, but safe.

_"SAKUMO-SAN!!"_ Her breath cheered. She watched him sit there, catching his own breath. _"Y-you did it!"_

His arms were limp and unmoving, yet he raised his head and grinned unmistakably in her sights. "Well…what did I tell you?"

"Ok…So I'm sorry I doubted you. But it _was_ crazy." she said candidly.

He tried standing. "Yeah, yeah…" He stumbled to and looked at her. "And now that I think about it," he said wearily. "If you could have hit me hard enough…I could have_ flown_ over…"

"What was that?"

He laughed. "Nothing—nothing…Now…let's try and get this damn thing…"

"Yes sir!" she nodded, grabbing two kunai from her small pack.

He produced two of his own, ignoring the pain in his arms. "On the count of three," he said, "Fast as you can."

"Ok," she nodded in anticipation.

"One…

"Two…

_"Three!"_

…

"…So did it work?"

"…Throw something," he said, collapsing again.

Tsunade looked down and found a palm-sized rock. She threw it into the area, and lo, it did not smolder. Gingerly, she walked slowly and found they had indeed disabled the trap. Down further along the mountain she looked and saw a trail of blood and a body, unmoving on a plateau. She bit her lip. _Well, so much for impossible odds…_she mused, all made even possible by a guy she was coming over to right now. "Are you all right?" she asked, kneeling.

"Oh I'm fine," he said. "It's just my arms are going to fall off, that's all…"

"Well maybe I can do something about that…" She smiled broadly to the crazy, stable man.

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-_Caliko_


	7. Six Ways to Sunday

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note: **Count 'em! Six days to the day of rest! Wow, was this muse born from insanity…This 'o'ne's for Tahle, since she couldn't give me any darn ideas. (laugh…**:)**

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* * *

7. _**Six Ways to Sunday**_

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"In this bag," he announced. "I have six ways to Sunday."

Orochimaru offered a puzzling look.

Tsunade rolled her eyes.

Sakumo leaned forward.

Jiraiya continued. "This gist is this: Take one out. Follow it for six days," He looked at them each. "And see what happens."

Orochimaru scoffed in a monotone dislike. "Do you know how utterly _ridiculous_ that sounds…"

Tsunade cocked her head. "…Can I get money if I win?"

Sakumo grinned in secret. "Brilliant…" he murmured.

"No, it is not 'ridiculous'," Jiraiya informed. "It's only meant for fun—so no, there's no money involved. This exercise involves only your _self-honor_."

Orochimaru cocked his brow.

Tsunade asked, "Self-_honor?"_

"Indeed," Jiraiya nodded. "On whether or not you are able to _humbly_ obey what's written on the card."

"Again—_ridiculous_."

"Hmmm…" Tsunade considered.

"…"

Jiraiya smiled, and playfully, he shook the bag.

Sakumo reached in first. The Shiroi Kiba pulled away from the others, and mentally, he read the scribbled kanji on his card. Within an instant, he turned his head and started laughing.

Orochimaru peered on in sudden interest.

Tsunade's eyebrows went upward, as they had never done before.

Jiraiya grinned. _I was hoping you'd get that one…_he readily mused.

Folding the note and shoving it in his pocket, Sakumo looked at the sage squarely, a hidden grin across his face. "I so hate you," he laughed softly.

Tsunade reached in second. She swiveled around completely, and suddenly, she gasped. "Are you _serious?!"_ She faced back incredulously.

"Shh," Jiraiya silenced. "Don't tell us."

"But that's insane!" she exclaimed. "That's the stupidest thing ever! And I have to do that for six days?! That is _**so**_ crazy!" she flailed. "Not to mention _embarrassing!"_

Jiraiya, with a grin plastering his face, shrugged.

Orochimaru reached in third.

He glanced at them carefully through those cat-like, slitted eyes of his, and drew the card up to his nose to read in private. His eyes widened almost instantaneously. "What…the…" he blurted. "Now…_that_ is completely retarded," he declared, crumpling the note.

Jiraiya reached in fourth.

He set aside the bag and read his own note in silence. Folding it back up, he was still smiling.

"So now what?" asked Tsunade.

"You can't honestly think we're expected to_ obey_ something as stupid as _this,"_ Orochimaru wagged the wad of paper.

"Now…" Jiraiya interjected cheerfully. "We commence the instructions! Remember, as honorable shinobi, we should follow what we're told," he worded carefully.

Sakumo started taking off his vest.

Orochimaru and Tsunade looked on in utter confusion—near horror on Tsunade's part, until he started turning it in-side-out, proceeding to put it on again, backwards. The smooth side stuck out awkwardly because of the scrolls. Sakumo was looking at Jiraiya quite evenly, "I'll only go so far."

Jiraiya snickered.

Orochimaru had a gasp about his face.

Tsunade's grin was a crooked one. "…You have to wear your clothes in-side-out, Sakumo-san?" she guessed. She giggled, as his wandering silence answered her question.

"And you, Tsunade?" Jiraiya suddenly chimed.

"Oh—oh, yeah, you'll see," she said, "Once we're standing…" she murmured.

Everyone then turned their attention to Orochimaru.

"_What?!"_ he suddenly asked in annoyance.

Just then, a leaf spiraled downwards near his side. In an unexpected movement, attributing mostly to something he could not explain, he extended his arm and caught it, before it hit the ground. "Damn stupid leaf," he muttered. "It's a stupid game," he declared, crumbling it in his hand. "I am _not_ doing that _again_…" he promised himself, averting his eyes from the trees.

"…No it isn't, _'Rochimaru_," said Jiraiya, actively heeding his card.

"Rochimaru?"

Tsunade looked between them. Orochimaru had just caught a leaf, and Jiraiya could not say 'O'rochimaru for whatever reason possessed him…or his card.

"Well then!" Jiraiya eagerly snapped. "It's about time we head home!"

All of them stood.

And as they started moving, they were surprised to see Tsunade start walking backwards.

Jiraiya laughed at her until she hit him, and since he could not say 'Ouch', he had to settle for, "Dammit! That _hurts!"_

Then, it was Tsunade who laughed at him…and continued jabbing him randomly, every so 'o'ften, to try and get him to say an 'o' word.

And for whatever reason possessed 'Rochimaru, he continued catching leaves, to Jiraiya's delight, and his unexplainable despair.

_"Self-honor…"_ Tsunade mused.

"Tsunade-hime," said Sakumo (looking like an absolute freak). "Watch your step."

She tripped.

Jiraiya caught her.

They were 'o'ne weird party when they got back. Especially Sakumo, as he ended up switching his mask around so the seams 'o'n the side showed. He garnered much whispering and speculation behind his back, like, "'Oooo', there goes the drunk…". Tsunade 'o'nly ran into several more things, and 'Rochimaru sulked like a three year _o_ld, shutting his eyes every now and then to ignore the wind. And Sarutobi, he wondered why his student could not say _O_rochimaru's name properly, _or_ call anyone an 'o'rakamono for six days. Sarutobi half wanted to check and see if they were under some sort _of_ genjutsu spell, and the 'o'ther half just wanted to laugh…which he ended up doing when Tsunade bumped into him 'o'ne day.

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-_Caliko_


	8. Dog Leap Stairs

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note:** The title is a short aire with a very playful tune. I first heard it off _The Crooked Road _by William Coulter. I wanted to go more serious with it, but after two drafts, it wasn't working; so I scratched them both and wrote this.

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_**8. Dog Leap Stairs**_

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"You shouldn't do this," she warned.

"It's going to be so _funny…_" Jiraiya cooed rather insanely. He was working with some wire inside the mission return office.

"He may not fall for it," she warned.

"Oi, just remember your part, and it'll all work out fine…" Jiraiya smiled, cutting a string with his teeth.

"You dolt. Why the trickery? Why the scare-tactics? Why the grandiose…" she looked at all the wire and seals already set up: it was like an intricate, living, breathing jigsaw. "…extravagance...huh? At best, you scare him have to death, wahoo, that's great. At worst, Sandaime finds out about this and reprimands you for…God knows _how long_, and you're _still_ the town mad man…" she said disapprovingly, continuing to stare through the literal web of string and wire and seals, like red and white butterflies imbedded throughout the otherwise straightness of the white walls and desk and sienna book-cabinet. "…I should go." she declared, questioning where the door was. "And actually—I don't know how I got _in..."_

"You do that," Jiraiya hummed cheerfully. "Just keep watch; by my calculations, he should be here in another hour or so."

"What do you recommend I do till then?!" she snapped. "Find a live, ten foot tall spider?!"

"Oh! You know he has arachnophobia…!"

She scoffed. "I was joking, you oaf…" when she wondered; _"…Is_ he afraid of spiders?"

"Hell no," Jiraiya said, drawing another seal from a stack beside his leg. "Just these."

"You're crazy," she glared.

"The door is that way," he pointed. "Pray it works…unless you can find an overly large arachnid or some other small and creeping creature…"

"…Creep," she returned with a hiss.

_"Touché…"_ he grinned.

She rolled her eyes and would have stomped out were it not for the web of wire intersecting at all points of space in the room. So she grunted angrily as she maneuvered through the mess with care and precision, sliding through the slits and brushing past the butterfly seals. Once free, she had the option of going home and possibly ruining Jiraiya's…surprise, but as she stared at the closed door looking so innocent and bare, something made her stick around the hall. Quickly bored, and thoroughly annoyed with Jiraiya's sudden burst of laughter and song, she walked further down the hall a ways and admired a small portrait of her grandfather.

An hour later, according to the sage's timed calculations, lonely ninja Sakumo came down the hall, and Tsunade, wide-eyed nearly burst out and said, '_it wasn't my idea, sir…!'_. Instead, she kept cool save the warm rise in her cheeks and said, with sane force, "Hello, Sakumo-san!"

"Oh, hello Tsunade-hime," he greeted, inclining his head.

"Um—Y-You must think it's strange I'm here…" she spoke loud enough so Jiraiya would hear her beyond the door. "But really…" she lost her train of thought in the Hatake's ebony eyes. "I'm here…! Ha ha ha…" she laughed awkwardly, pretending the conversation was proceeding normally.

Confused by her behavior, he held up the papers in his right hand. "Well…I'm here to drop these off," he explained simply.

She resisted the urge to say, _'not really a good idea, sir…!'_. So reversely, she kept calm, save for the rapid flutters in her heart and smiled broadly and said…: "Oh! Please…! Go on in!"

He regarded her for a moment and then nodded his head. He walked up to the door.

He turned the handle.

She held her breath.

He opened the door.

Faltered, and retracted his footing.

And shut the door very very quickly.

"Holy fuck," he blurted aloud.

Sakumo looked at her in white-faced horror. "Don't go in there."

"…Really?" she smiled dumbly. "Why?"

"Didn't—Didn't you see?!" he said as if he'd expected she had. "Oh my God, that place is rigged. Tsunade, get everyone out of this building now."

"…Really?" she continued, choking down a laugh and smile. "I didn't see it. Can I see? Please, I want to see…" she evened her voice out.

"No, Tsunade, really, this is dead serious. Get out of this building now. Run. Leap. Fly if you have to. Get everybody out—"

The two ninja faced forward as their ears tuned in footsteps coming toward them. Tsunade feared it was Sandaime, but instead, they saw the dark and pale form of Orochimaru coming around the corner. Like Sakumo, he had a few papers in his right hand. He took in the sight of an alarmed Sakumo covering the door, and the alert Tsunade with her bemused, brown eyes.

Sakumo burst out—"Orochimaru! Take Tsunade and get everyone out of this building _now."_

Further piqued out of an otherwise bored mood, he inquired, "Why?"

"Because behind this door…is a bad, and dangerous thing. I may have nearly set it off."

"What…?"

"Doesn't matter!" Sakumo exclaimed fervently. "Just _do_ it!"

Still dubious, Orochimaru took a step forward.

"I swear to God, Orochimaru, this an order. Get her out of her now, or I will."

Orochimaru hesitated again, only when uncontrolled laughter suddenly burst out of the woman to his right.

Tsunade tried stopping it, but a steady river of laughter erupted from her stomach to her throat until Sakumo called upon her name to take it seriously.

"Did…" she laughed. "Did you even open it all the way?!" Her laughter calmed, but it shook her shoulders sporadically. "Go on, open it! It's harmless!" she urged him.

He knew her too long to tell whether or not she was lying. So cautiously, Sakumo did so, and this time, he saw a tall, white-haired man standing in the middle of the room, chanting,

"SAKUMONO! ANATA WA ORAKAMONO!!"

Sakumo stared blankly after being called a fool. "Ji…Ji…rai...?"

"You foolish fool! Got you good! Oh I _so_ got you good!" he said.

Ruefully, Tsunade derived equal satisfaction from statement.

Sakumo's eyes were wide; Orochimaru also stared vacantly.

"See?" Jiraiya played with the wire around his finger and crumpled a red and white seal. "See! Not real!" Jiraiya laughed, grinning proudly.

Over the course of the revelation of the true nature of the situation, Sakumo's blankness turned into a livid rage of surprise and slowly crossed over to vengeance. "Jiraiya…" he sounded almost like a warning, and then he shouted. "…BAKA!! I AM GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS!!!" Sakumo pushed his way past the wire, but Jiraiya had already read what Sakumo was intent on doing. The sage maneuvered sideways; Sakumo's hand barely caught Jiraiya's ponytail before Jiraiya skillfully slid out of the room and then started running like a wild dog. He winked quickly to Tsunade, smiling, as he ran faster.

Sakumo untangled himself and practically leap out and ran after him like a smaller, slightly more blood-thirsty hound, barking threats all the way along. The two had been so fast, the two shinobi left could still feel the breezes coolly sway their hair.

After a while, when Sakumo's shouting and Jiraiya's chortled laughter faded, Orochimaru turned to look at the weird mess of the office and the papers Sakumo had let float to the floor. Orochimaru glanced at Tsunade and wondered. "What in the hell was that all about?" he asked her.

Briefly suffering a relapse in the form of a giggle, she continued staring down the narrow hall. She felt the building shake as she imagined the doors flying open off their hinges and like a slingshot, the two men running out, one after the other. "Don't ask me," she smiled. "You know Jiraiya. Obnoxious, crazy, troublesome, unpredictable…and you know Sakumo…practical, intent; selfless…" she said quietly. "And yet together…they're both damned crazy," she smiled, thinking of their humour and heroics. "And plus…" she pointed to the door. "They're going to knock out that wall soon, and extend the room sideways."

Orochimaru looked back inside the door to Jiraiya's web of pseudo danger. "…Spent a lot of time on it," he granted.

"Four hours. Lets get out of here, before we're seen."

"…You're going to leave it like that?"

She shrugged, feeling the breeze tug her forward.

Orochimaru walked up to the door frame and held up the monotonous papers of meaningless summary. He dropped them over top Sakumo's and followed her out, equally curious himself to know how far way the two were, and whether or not Jiraiya was still intact.

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_-Caliko_


	9. For the Long Haul

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note:** So this story has been updated sporadically, at best, and I apologize. I will never ever quit it until I have run out of one-shots for Sakumo and Jiraiya! (With some Tsunade and Orochi mixed in at times!) I want these to continue being as meaningful as possible, so I will take my time. This muse came about while I was thinking about enduring something. Whether it be a two-year novel, or enduring a wait for something else—whatever else in the world. Patience is an incredible thing—and an admirable thing for a prince familiar. The next short won't end in running—I promise.

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9: _**For the Long Haul**_

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Sakumo waved his hand swiftly once over as Tsunade instructed. "You see?" she cried. Jiraiya was staring into a window. It was the blue window of the bookstore. "It is not a genjutsu, but he has been here since eight yesterday night!" she exclaimed. "What in the _hell_ is he _doing?"_

"Jiraiya," said Sakumo, and here, Sakumo cleared his throat. As if set into stone, Jiraiya was unmoving, and unresponsive. "Jiraiya," Sakumo said more forcefully, "What are you doing?"

"He won't answer you!" Tsunade cried. "He just _stands_ there!" She slapped the white haired young man's backside well enough to send him into the window, but Jiraiya merely flinched, and remained in his upright position.

Despite what Tsunade just did, Sakumo had to stifle a laugh. "What is the book, Jiraiya? Is it yours?" the silver-haired man asked with no response but a shake of Jiraiya's head in the negative. "So you are waiting for a book," Sakumo deduced.

"That is _ridiculous!"_ Tsunade nearly screamed. "You _idiot!_ What is it you're waiting for? Hm? The super book of pornography?"

Just then, Orochimaru happened to be walking by, overhearing his teammate's singular, screeching voice… "…Oi," he muttered, then looked at Jiraiya with a mixture of a dark smirk and disdain. "Waiting for something? Oh how pathetic…"

"On the contrary," Sakumo spoke before Tsunade could scream backing sensible Orochimaru, "Even if he's waiting for…what you say, I admire his resilience. Tsunade…Are you in line? Maybe I'll continue the line."

Tsunade gasped in utter surprise and horror at the shiroi kiba. She backed away a little, "But you don't know what it is he's waiting for!" she exclaimed in shock.

Sakumo shrugged. "It could be fun."

"Tsunade…" coughed Orochimaru suddenly with an odd wild grin on his pale chalky face she rarely saw upon him.

"…OH MY GOD!" she exclaimed when Orochimaru cut in front of her for third in line behind Hatake Sakumo. "Y-YOU'RE ALL—_WAITING_!" Tsunade's world suddenly swam around her like a delirious whirlpool of insanity. She let out an exasperated grunt, "You crazy…idiots!" she cried, "Jiraiya, now look at what you've done!" Tsunade stepped forward, appealing to Sakumo, the only genuinely sensible man of the group. "Sakumo-san, please, he could be waiting for the release of some…some…" she couldn't even say it in front of him.

"I know," he smiled beneath his indigo mask he wore. "But that's the point—I wish to know."

Even Orochimaru smiled as Tsunade let out another cry of anguish.

She was fourth in line.

"Tsunade, are you waiting as well?" Orochimaru inquired with such an ugly smirk she couldn't bear to look at.

"Oh shut up. What does it look like to_ you_, idiot."

"You may even have whatever it is already, if it's so rare," Sakumo suggested.

"I doubt it," Tsunade muttered. "Jiraiya has a one-track mind when it comes to books."

"Resolution, miss Tsunade."

She rolled her eyes, mimicked Sakumo's words cruelly. "Yes sir."

"Being faithful—being true to yourself is the best way to go."

"Yes Tsunade," supplied Orochimaru. "Patience is a virtue, as they say."

"Yeah? Well stick it up your…"

"Marriage is also a sacred commitment," continued Sakumo.

"…Oh—yes, sir…" Tsunade's attitude suddenly changed.

"Marriage…our duty…responsibility…all of which require patience, dedication, and faithfulness."

"Yes sir," Tsunade smiled quickly even though Sakumo was gazing wistfully down the street.

Orochimaru rolled his eyes at the woman's emotional fluxes.

"And whatever Jiraiya is waiting for," Tsunade said seriously, "Has _none_ of those qualities. We'd be lucky if Miss Sangatsu has some clothes on…"

Orochimaru and Sakumo both turned their heads to look at her.

"What?" Tsunade flushed. "Does anybody not _know_ Jiraiya like I do?"

"Is it a calendar?" Sakumo turned and asked the first in line.

After a moment, Jiraiya shook his head.

"A magazine?" Orochi inquired.

Again, after a hesitation, Jiraiya shook his head.

"A raunchy book about the debonair shinobi getting…several women?" Tsunade muttered last.

After a long moment…Jiraiya shook his head.

Tsunade was suddenly puzzled.

"Meet the author?" Sakumo questioned.

No—a shake of the head.

"A cookbook?" Orochi asked.

Nope—another simple shake of the head.

"Me?" Tsunade asked.

No—a sole shake of the head.

"You idiot," Tsunade muttered. "You laughing idiot."

.

"How long, exactly, were we all waiting?" Tsunade asked after what seemed like a needless hour.

"I suppose…as long as necessary," answered Sakumo.

"But sir—!"

"Please just Sakumo," he reminded her.

"But…"

Just then, a young man with blonde-auburn hair and brown-rimmed glasses came near, about to go into the store—"Hi…may I ask, what are you all waiting for?"

"THE SUN TO EXPLODE," Tsunade blurted, which caused the young man to jump back slightly.

"We don't know," Sakumo smiled, his voice audibly warm and friendly, replacing the smile that was hidden by his mask. "He does," Sakumo pointed to Jiraiya. "But we don't."

"Oh…kee-dookie then…" the young man raced into the store to hide, and read a few comics.

Tsunade giggled.

"Lady Tsunade—that was a tad impolite," Sakumo glanced back at her. "You should have been more mysterious like the ANBU and said we were expecting him."

She flushed—smiling.

Orochi rolled his eyes and folded his arms, annoyed by Tsunade's manner.

"With that strong a voice, you should take a walk around the intel ward," Sakumo carried on. "They could use a strong woman as you. I mean that sincerely."

She blushed deeper, and twisted her hair around her face idly, glaring at Orochimaru when he glared at her first.

.

After another hour, the manager came out. The civilian smiled strangely upon the quartet in line outside his store. "I told you to go away," he said to Jiraiya. "Now you've got more followers…"

"Were waiting," Tsunade informed.

"Yes I can see that."

"Do you know what we're waiting for?" asked Sakumo before Tsunade could add, 'for you'.

The manager named off a list of new releases Jiraiya again shook his head to. "Honestly I have no clue. He was here yesterday," he nodded at Jii, "And bought something. I always knew he was one of my best customers, but _this_ level of devotion, well…"

"Is_ insane_," Tsunade muttered loud enough to be heard.

Sakumo smiled. "Thank you anyway. He is our friend, and we will continue waiting."

The owner shrugged. "Suit yourself…" and he retreated back into the store.

"This is ridiculous…" Tsunade muttered.

"Then why do you stay?" Sakumo turned and asked her.

"Well…" Tsunade swallowed honestly, "Because you are."

"You do not have to wait for my sake."

"I know…But part of it is curiosity," she saved herself form her awkwardness," And his idiocy," Tsunade scoffed at the giant white-haired mane stationed in front of them all.

"You mean his fancy," Orochi said with his eyes closed.

Tsunade bopped the black-haired man on the head.

"I call fowl," Orochimaru sneered at her. "That was uncalled for."

Tsunade stuck out her chin.

"She was trying to get my spot, the little—!" Orochi spoke his case to the Hatake man in front of him who out-ranked them all. "Typical Senju greed."

"Ugh!" she exclaimed, folding her arms, holder her head higher.

"Now now…no need to resort to insults…" Sakumo soothed. "I will watch her Orochimaru."

Tsunade turned around to grin to herself alone, pouting only on the outside, feeling that look of the shiroi kiba on her back.

Another hour came. Another hour went, leading into dusk and sunset. Orochimaru shifted at the growling stomachs around him. "Tsunade. Go get some dinner."

"Nonsense! What if more people come? Do you think I would go, and have—"

"I'll get it," said Sakumo. "I trust _my_ spot is safe."

"Oh…"Tsunade's tone suddenly turned more demure, "Oh sir, no, really…um…I'll…"

After Sakumo left, she bopped Orochimaru again and unlike Jiraiya, he cursed at her. "I am telling Hatake-sama when he returns."

"Oh shut it. Tattletale."

"Kiss up."

Sakumo returned with food for the four of them, but Jiraiya, most oddly, did not eat. Anything. It was very strange, given how on occasion, he could eat all the food in a small odenya…He even continued standing in place, confusing Sakumo even more. "Honestly Jiraiya…" he said while the sage continued staring at the window.

"Forget him," Tsunade said, her and Orochimaru sitting down with the box dinners. "He's just being dumb and stupid."

"And_ exceptionally_ silent…"

"If he's waiting for a mystery/suspense novel, I'm going to kill him. It'd be the type of thing he'd do to us."

"Exceptionally quiet…" Sakumo muttered once more.

"Sakumo-san, the food will get cold."

"Oh—right…"

.

Did they sleep outside the building? "Why not? If the people start to come in the morning, we will have our spots." So the three slept, Tsunade keeping an eye open for anything, anyone. Jiraiya sat down after great length, and then he was the first to rise to stand there dutifully once more. Tsunade scowled at him. It was about seven in the morning. "You get breakfast," she told Orochimaru.

"No—"

"You can't expect a commanding officer to—"

"_You_ will take _my_ spot—"

Then, suddenly, while they were arguing, Sakumo's eyes widened. Tsunade noticed, then Orochimaru, to the certain pedestrian he was looking at:

"Hiya guys…what are you all…" Jiraiya began to ask. "Haha…oops—left…my clone still at…the book…store…Ha…Ha…" His voice and his chuckle fell flat when he witnessed Tsunade's face was gradually becoming a deeper shade of plum.

"I AM GONNA KILL YOU!" she screamed, and just as the clone vanished, the two were gone in an equally cloudy flash in a gust of wind that blew Orochimaru's raven black hair and Sakumo's silvery ponytail around his head—Tsunade chased the sage all through town that morning relentlessly.

"Well…" Sakumo sighed. "I suppose that was worth waiting for."

"Indeed," Orochi agreed. "It was. Shall we have some breakfast now?"

"…Sure. You're buying."

Orochi rolled his eyes.

* * *

-_Caliko_


	10. Princes and Thieves

**Princes Familiar**

**Author's Note**: FORGIVE ME, THIS IS LATE! (Caliko bows 100 times over), I'm really really sorry this is so late! I had a project that came up which I am not so technically skilled at. No excuses, here is it. This one was spontaneous, and a little funny! Oh, and I have taken creative license to say ninja aren't allowed to vote. That was my guess. If I'm wrong on that, somebody say so. It's not that important anyway. Please enjoy!

* * *

10. _**Princes and Thieves**_

* * *

Tsunade opened her mailbox one fine morning.

She couldn't really say it was 'her' mailbox, but she did anyway considering it was her house now and her domain to rule. There were a few pieces of it today. On top, there was a letter addressed to her grandfather, Shodaime Hokage. Never a return address.

Fan mail. (She always supposes—the letters are in fine hand and gentile, signed anonymous.)

Next was a letter to her father from an old gentleman in the land of stone. It looked like an ordinary catching-up letter. Didn't he know her father had passed on? What did he live under, a rock?

Toss.

Next was a political flyer—she didn't receive those too often. Ninja didn't vote. But considering her lineage, they obviously were hoping for some sort of endorsement from her.

Bloc heads. Shred.

Another letter, this was from the medical core. The yellow envelope looked to be the usual evaluation of her service. What for? So long as she wasn't a fugitive or something, the letters never told much. What a waste of paper.

Toss.

Another letter to her grandfather followed that one—insufficient postage had sent it back once already. Obviously the sender was insane—or eccentric enough to want to get it to him. Tsunade found herself chuckling strangely for a moment looking at the fine handwriting.

Read. Later.

A piece of junk mail was next. She didn't need another credit card—"Oh wait… this is purple," she looked at the card with the example silver lettering.

Now she'll have every _color!_ Save!

Lastly, there was a simple white envelope simply written to her name and address neatly. Tsunade had no explanation or account for this. "God I hope it's not from Jiraiya," she bemoaned. "Oh I bet it's from Jiraiya."

She took all of these letters inside and sorted them accordingly, applying for her new purple credit card, until she reached the last letter. Upon opening it, she read,

_Dear Lady Tsunade,_

_You are the inheritor of my uncle's property west of Tanzaku. It was in his will to be given to Shodaime Hokage, or his heir._

_My uncle passed away quite suddenly, and I regret I am still not quite myself, but I would very much look forward to your arrival as soon as possible so I might give you the tour myself. It is a very sizeable piece of land, rich in agriculture (my uncle was a lifelong farmer) and also it has some significant historical value to the area. A very old shrine sits on the property, in the middle of a grove of cherry trees._

_He was a firm believer in your grandfather, and my uncle cherished the peace your clan brought to this country. I humbly await your arrival at the following enclosed address,_

_Yours Respectfully, Hoshiko Takano._

Rather precarious, Tsunade began spontaneously giggling again. "It won't take too long to get there, either!" she grinned, and quickly began packing an overnight bag.

.

"OI, OI!"

Under the late afternoon sunshine, Tsunade turned on the cobbled road leading out of the shinobi village. "Oh!" she scoffed, and began pinching her brow, frowning, "Just when I thought I was going to have a _nice_ day…"

"Where ya goin'?" Jiraiya cooed, his hands on his knees, searching her beautiful warm brown eyes.

"None of your business," she said.

"None of my business hm? Then it must have to do with my pleasure!"

His rich laughter choked for a moment when she hit him hard right in the gut.

Jiraiya wheezed. "Nice one…Can I go?" he recovered, standing up straight.

Just as the word formed upon her lips, Hatake Sakumo suddenly came up to them, "Go where?" he inquired innocently, unhearing their conversation thus far.

"Oh—um, ha ha," she smiled, "Jiraiya was just interrupting me…I was, um, going away—" Discreetly, she quickly stepped on Jiraiya's toes—he took it well when his lip began to bleed—"—for the weekend."

"Oh how wonderful. Enjoy yourself. Is it very far?" Sakumo asked her conversationally.

"Yes—No," she said, "No, it's just west of Tanzaku actually."

"Oh my GOSH, NO WAY MY NINJA SOCKS!" Jiraiya suddenly exclaimed, "Sakumo and I were going to Tanzaku to have a couple drinks!"

"Sakumo-san, you don't drink…" To this he shrugged, "I'm having water," he supplied, "And Jiraiya," Sakumo turned, "You don't wear socks."

Jiraiya moved his injured bleeding foot behind his other, "Aren't we all just fruit loops today!" he chuckled.

"Yeah I'll fruit your loop," Tsunade muttered threateningly under her breath.

"Could we all go together?" suggested Sakumo.

"Of course!" Tsunade cheered that decision. She walked beside him while Jiraiya abruptly found himself in back, like a little child, limping slightly with a bucktooth grin hiding his bruised lip.

"You both off duty?" Tsunade asked.

"How rarely does that coincide," Sakumo remarked with a little humor in his voice.

"Yeah," said Jiraiya walking from behind, "Sakumo says he's _never_ off duty."

After Tsunade looked at him curiously, Sakumo shrugged, "Feels that way lately."

"But you have things to do, Sakumo-san."

"Oh of course, I could think of a _thousand_ things to do at home if I weren't taking a trip just to see the lights," Jiraiya scolded him with a wailing, "Hey!" "I've seen them far too many times."

"Ooo!" Jiraiya wooed. "All right Sakumo!"

"Jiraiya—" Sakumo looked behind—"…Are you limping?"

"No. Why?" Jiraiya grinned.

"…Oh," Sakumo turned ahead.

"Jiraiya," Tsunade said, "You're unusually excitable today."

"It's the medication darling!"

"Don't call me darling!" She glared stiffly at him, "Big oaf!"

"We'll soon be parting ways at Tanzaku," Sakumo inserted calmly.

"Of course. Sorry," she muttered.

"I'm sorry too," said Jiraiya calmly, "I didn't mean to offend you."

Sensing a loopy smile on her back, Tsunade rolled her eyes.

"You know I only say these things…because…" Jiraiya paused, "You are so beautiful," he finished.

Tsunade's anger quelled a little. "Apology accepted," she said again stiffly, feeling a migraine coming on.

Both of them suddenly heard a large sigh of relief from Hatake Sakumo. "What is it?" Tsunade asked, ready to help with her medical ninjutsu.

"Oh nothing," he said lightly as if he were smiling. "I was just afraid I'd be in the middle of a minor war for a minute there."

"Ha ha…Ha ha…" Tsunade's laugh fell flat under dark humor.

.

The main alley of Tanzaku was indeed in fact becoming aglow with lights in lanterns over the street. The sun though had not yet fallen over the horizon. A ball of yellow, polka doted on a broad sea of orange, it was suspended over the forest green trees and hills making for a beautiful, calm landscape. "Well," they all decided, staring at it pleasantly.

"I'll miss you Tsunade!" said Jiraiya.

"Goodbye to you both," she said respectfully.

"Good bye Lady Tsunade," said Sakumo, inclining his head.

"Bye!"

Sakumo and Jiraiya watched her go with a few waves, then together headed for the parlor panorama of sight and sound. "So, what do you want to do?"

"You're asking me?" said Sakumo.

"Of course I'm asking you!"

"Well," Hatake Sakumo did not have an answer, "What did_ you_ want to do?"

"What did _you_ want to do?"

"I don't know, I thought we were going to the bar and then…We'll listen to the local conversations and…then I was going to see how their crops were doing…and…"

"Say…Why don't we tail Tsunade?" Jiraiya suggested—"She—"

"Jiraiya!" Sakumo shouted him down even though the sage was bigger than he, "We can't do that! There is such a thing as privacy! Are you crazy?"

"But I suddenly got this funny feeling she might be…_attacked_," Jiraiya lowered his voice seriously.

"…She is a more than a capable shinobi, a granddaughter of Hashirama. She can _handle_ herself," Sakumo stated. "Now come on." he took him by the arm, but Jiraiya refused, "But what if? _What if_ she runs into serious trouble? I mean we could just tail her until she gets wherever she's going, right?"

"What_ if_ she has a simple and fun time without our interest or accompaniment, hm?"

"But Sakumo!" Jiraiya continued digging his heels in with a frown.

"You're set on this, aren't you?"

Jiraiya nodded, smiling a little.

Sakumo stood there for a moment. "…I want no part of it," Sakumo decided firmly, nodding his head.

"Oh…Ok."

Jiraiya turned down the road by himself coasting in the direction Tsunade had headed. Suddenly, Jiraiya stopped. "Are you coming?"

"…I'm thinking about it," said Sakumo rather flatly, his eyes shielded by shadow.

Jiraiya began to whistle a bird call.

Sakumo suddenly walked forward. "I know Sarutobi taught you all to follow your instincts, but really, this is ridiculous. You should be _ashamed_ of yourself."

"Oh you sensed it too did you?"

"Be quiet," Sakumo muttered. "The minute we see her fine and well, we leave. Got it?"

"Yes sir!"

They followed her expertly in the shadows. (Sakumo noticed their corn was doing quite well.) Soon, after reading the road signs as she went, she approached a large home and property west of Koriko road. A young man came out to greet her warmly, looking more a businessman rather a steward, but here he gestured to the house and Tsunade smiled. "I don't like him," Jiraiya said after he let Tsunade go in first.

Sakumo shook his head. "Looks swell enough to me. Come on—"

"No I don't like it," said Jiraiya pulling him down by a shirt sleeve. "Oh look, she's coming back out."

Tsunade, after leaving her bag, followed the same young man all the way around the building as if she were receiving the grand tour of her overnight stay.

"Seems honest."

"No, he looks subversive." At this comment, Sakumo hung his head, shaking it slowly in defeat. "A young manager, that's an important job. Honestly Jiraiya, you—"

The two below headed into the pink and white flowered garden just akin on the northwest side, admiring the beauty as he talked on. "Come on Sakumo! What do you think he's saying?"

"The roses come from the land of rain, while the irises and azalea come from southern Konoha. They're the best. Or so I've always heard."

"What?" said Jiraiya incredulously.

"I've got to teach you how to be a farmer someday. Jiraiya. There is absolutely_ nothing_ that is strange or weird about this scene, you have got to let these fancies go sometimes, you—"

Just as the two headed around the corner of the home, out of sight, a shady man wearing shady spectacles in a shady cloak stepped out from the main exterior door, and concealed himself expectantly in the second azalea bush, blending in as if he'd been the size of a butterfly.

"…You were saying?"

Sakumo suddenly stared at this scene with more attention until suddenly, a canopy of shady shade wafted overhead and remained still, unlike a passing cloud. Jiraiya and Sakumo did not need to exchange words to know this too was a shady character wearing shady spectacles/and or a shady cloak. "On guard!" said Jiraiya turning with super speed too much for the man and disarmed him successfully after a second's struggle. "You get the rest of them," said Sakumo, "And I'll take care of the tour guide."

"Roger that."

Sakumo waited in the clump of foliage secretly as Tsunade and the man were three-quarters of the way around the place as he was explaining, "The lilacs were a gift from the land of Iron. My grandfather was friends with a princess there. She brought these herself on her visit."

"Oh!" said Tsunade, "That's fascinating! How lovely, they smell so beautiful."

The man suddenly sneezed, "Ha ha," he smiled, "I'm always like this around plants," He reached into his pocket, but nothing was there, "Oh I've left my handkerchief inside—I'm sorry, let me get it. Please wait here," he said conveniently, "and then I'll take you around to the farm?"

"Oh, yes!" Tsunade smiled cheerfully, enjoying the sunset hued garden in his absence.

Discreetly, Sakumo clobbered him good before he reached the steps. "That all of them?"

"Yes," said Jiraiya, hanging upside down from the inside of the porch, "I was going to put this guy inside a huge locked trunk in there," Jiraiya pointed, whispering, "But there was a huge chunk of money in it!"

"Commission money?" Sakumo whispered.

"A hell of it! Too bad the quality didn't match the quantity; there must have been over two million yen in there!"

"Two million…? I've got to attend to miss Tsunade…" said Sakumo, transforming into the man, "Clean up the mess."

"Oh you get the fun part," Jiraiya scowled.

Sakumo cast him a weary look before he returned (with a men's cloth in hand) back to Tsunade. "This way?" He outstretched his hand the way they came toward the garden instead of around the front.

"Oh, sure. Thank you. So how old is the place exactly?" Tsunade inquired.

"Well, ah…" the man had to think. "What this property has seen," he surmised, "Are the great changes that turn the world in the course of history. I hate to think of it sometimes."

"But don't you hate to leave it?" asked Tsunade curiously. "Wasn't this your home too?"

"Of course," said Hoshiko blindly to both with a slightly forlorn turn of his mouth, "But change is a part of life and my home is not here any longer."

Tsunade regarded him with more curiosity and intrigue than before. "Do you have a job, in the city then?"

"Yes," confirmed Hoshiko. "I live there now too. I've been in Tanzaku for many years studying."

"I see," Tsunade inserted with an understanding tone, ready to ask four more questions.

"The farms here, are—"

"Hoshiko-san!" cried a man, a real steward running up from the building, "I know you said not to disturb you or mention this before her ladyship but I must! All our security in place has been…has been…dismantled! Two thugs, I saw them with my eyes out the window! Everyone is gone!"

"What?"

"Security?" Tsunade said in unison with Takano after they exchanged unabashed glances. Turning to him, "You hired _security_, just for my _visit?"_ she exclaimed (with a twisted smile).

"Ah…Well…" Hoshiko stammered sheepishly.

"I don't need _security_…"Tsunade giggled.

"Sir!" the steward uttered at the top of his frantic breath, "They might be anywhere now!" he cried emotionally.

"Well…if they were really after Lady Tsunade here, they should have taken their chance by now…And…And the…yen…?"

"Oh still safe for miss Tsunade here! I checked just a moment ago! The other servant is watching it now!"

"I…must inspect this damage; if the lady insists, she may stay here 'till I return—in a moment, I promise."

Tsunade nodded, with a smile, leaving Takano charging for the home. He stopped as he reached the front porch alone, and began slowly retreating into the trees and brush. "Oi," he heard a man say hanging upside, "How's it goin'?"

"Not good."

"What did the little guy want?"

"Oh we was just saying how all the men disappeared."

Jiraiya chuckled.

"Say, where's the tour guide?"

"Right here," Jiraiya lifted a head.

"Let me have him for a moment."

"Ok."

Sakumo took the man some yards away from Jiraiya to wake him up and get him moving, bending over lots of times over apologizing to him. "We will go now." Sakumo bid him farewell as he exited. "Bye Sakumo!" Jiraiya wiggled his fingers, whispering.

"Why are you hanging upside down like that?"

Jiraiya fell with a thud as he gasped, "Sakumo! But you're—!"

"I can do a few things at once, remember?" Sakumo smiled beneath his mask. "Now come on. I really do feel like for the first time in a long time, I could use a stiff drink." He said the last few words genuinely.

"But _Tsunade_, are you sure _she'll_—"

"She'll be just fine now. Have you ever considered, Jiraiya," said Sakumo as they walked on—Jiraiya looking behind intermittently with concern—"That shinobi can be too caught up searching for hidden meanings inside of hidden meanings? Now consider."

Jiraiya obediently took a moment, and considered. "But Sakumo," he said, "that's our job."

Sakumo bent over suddenly, laughing. He had a good hearty, almost borderline insane sort of spontaneous laugh. And long. "I'm going to have _two_ stiff drinks," he chuckled after he calmed down.

Jiraiya's wild (and bruised) grin remained curious, looking him over in surprise. "Two," Jiraiya whistled. "Feeling a little indulgent are we."

"Yes Jiraiya. I'd like to no longer be a menace to society in my off hours."

Utterly puzzled, Jiraiya kept on smiling. "Hey, should that be the other way around? Menace _on_ our off hours—?"

Sakumo hit his arm, toppling Jiraiya over. "Don't be ridiculous," said the masked shinobi.

* * *

_-Caliko_


	11. The Meaning of Life

_From Princes Familiar_

**Author's Note**: My sister knows nothing about Naruto. She suggested the theme of this PF muse however (thanks!). Hope it's accurate. X3

.

.

11. _**The Meaning Of Life**_

.

.

"Hey, sensei?"

"Jiraiya—what is it?" Sarutobi lowered his pipe while his student joined him unannounced in the garden. Though it was a very warm day, the sun had trouble penetrating the immense thicket of leaves from the surrounding old maples. In fact, a chilled breeze wafted under their tall and moving shadows. Sarutobi's student clarified in a most pensive manner unusual of him, searching the green carpet beneath his large feet—"I have a question." Jiraiya explained.

"Yes, what is it?" said Sarutobi, ready to answer it.

"What is…the meaning of life?"

Sarutobi's mouth hung open for a moment. After which, his eyes narrowed seriocomically. "...What do you mean?"

"The meaning of life," Jiraiya looked at him without any nonsense, "What is it?"

"Jiraiya…"

"…Yes?"

A moment passed before Sarutobi said quite clearly, "Get off my lawn."

"…Yes sensei."

.

Jiraiya wandered off onto main street, hoping a vendor could inform him as to the meaning of life. Unfortunately, most of their responses were much like Sarutobi's. Jiraiya moved on when thus. He came across a small vendor with a small stand, selling headbands.

They were not leaf village headbands. Nor were they suna, kiri, kusa, kumo, or iwa. No. These headbands, "Are blessed with _clairvoyance!_"

Jiraiya perked with the excitement of the fulfillment of his sudden desire. "Clairvoyance! Please, will they tell me—will they help me understand the meaning of life?" he asked enthusiastically.

"Good…_tall_ sir, that's _exactly_ what I made them for!" cried the salesman. "Helping you see the meaning of life is their _specialty_!"

"Oh goody!" said Jiraiya offering his wallet and accepting the red one the man held in his hand. In the center was an emblem. The writing looked ancient and swirly; the salesman said it meant 'clairvoyance'. "Yippee!" jumped Jiraiya, adjusting it to fit his head without having it cover up his leaf plate insignia. "Now I hope I can finally understand the meaning of life!"

The salesman waved goodbye a hundred yen the better.

"Hello sky!" waved Jiraiya through the web of leaves. "Hello sun, Ahhhh! Oh! Hello Orochimaru!"

Orochimaru stopped and stared. "…Jiraiya?"

"It's me!"

"…What's with the headband? Did you pledge allegiance to the village hidden with idiots?"

"Nope!" Jiraiya smiled with his hands on his hips. "I have just been given insight to the meaning of life." He pointed to the red cloth and special emblem.

"Uhh…hmm…"

"I can see…you are late for something!" Jiraiya used his power of omniscience.

"Wrong," Orochimaru informed. "I was on break, obviously searching for the first idiot on my path."

"Well…" Jiraiya looked all around for this person; "Have fun talking to yourself then!"

That deserved a smack upside the head.

.

Recovered, Jiraiya smiled still. "Hello road! Hello passers-by!" He continued to feel enlightened.

Blessed, he met Tsunade next. "Hallo, Tsunade-hime!"

"Now what?"

"Now what what?"

"What's with your…new headband…?" Tsunade lifted herself on her toes to try and read the symbol when Jiraiya told her what it meant—"Clairvoyance? What's this all about?"

"I wanted to understand the meaning of life," he said, and he pointed, "This headband is helping me do it! A fog…has been lifted—No, a real dense fog I say. Things just seem...brighter, all of a sudden—happier! Less trivial!"

That deserved a stomp on his foot. "How'd that feel?"

"Uncomfortable…"

Tsunade smirked.

.

The vendor appeared very surprised upon the customer's quick return. Quickly putting away bags…of…merchandise…he looked up to hear the man: "So far, my friends have all hit me," Jiraiya explained the entire situation. "Is it just me?"

"…So…you came back…to tell me…it's…not…working."

"Yes."

"You're friends…they don't wear headbands, do they?"

"No."

"Ah well. No matter…" The man seemed to contain a small smile. "Treat them with kindness, nonetheless!"

"But they hit me."

The small man shrugged.

Jiraiya frowned again. So. He took his new, jubilant gait outside the village a small distance, in the countryside. Under the enormously blue sky, he took his tall shadow to a small house with a great big field behind it. Once more, he explained to the man sitting with him out on the front porch, "I do feel some kind of inexplicable…queer sense of wonder. I never had that before I put this on. I feel…no longer constrained by gravity or road—I am free to be the best I can be! I am _Jiraiiyaaa_!"

Sakumo listened quietly, rubbing dirt off his knuckles.

"You know?"

"Mm," said Sakumo.

"Like, before...it was all innuendo and down…ness. Now—now it's like floating in the sky with my spirit amid the clouds. What. What do you say to all that? Are you going to hit me like the others? Am I really silly? Or not? What!" Sakumo—what do you have to say?" Jiraiya looked at him intensely as if one word from him could make or break the theory.

After a long moment, Sakumo finished looking at Jiraiya's face and the symbol. He finally pointed to the thing, the headband, "Could you…maybe…turn that up-side down?"

Jiraiya deadpanned. "I don't think the headband of clairvoyance is meant to be teased."

"No I know, just…just humor me—yes. There you go," Jiraiya reluctantly did as Sakumo asked. "There. …I thought that's what that read."

"…Wh-WHAT!" said Jiraiya, thrilled with the possibility of even deeper meaning running up and down his leg, "Holy crap! What! What does it say!"

Sakumo hesitated. "…Do you really want to know?"

"Yes! Yes! Tell me! Please! What is the meaning of life!"

.

Dozing lazily in his hammock on his lawn, Sarutobi felt a cold breeze come over his body. Perturbed, he opened one eye and nearly cursed out loud in surprise of a very large young man standing over him blocking his view with a red cloth headband above his hitai-ate. There was a symbol there Hizuren could not make out. "What gives!" He flailed his hands up like he was shooing off a large fly. "Why are you back here?"

"I found out the meaning of life sensei." Jiraiya leaned back seriously, his arms folded over across his chest.

Angered, but swiftly bemused, Sarutobi listened. "Oh yes? What is it?"

Jiraiya looked on either side of him. They were alone. He leaned in again and whispered,

"…Free drugs."

Sarutobi stared.

Jiraiya raised his brows and nodded, as if to say, if you need me, I'll be guarding my stash of cocaine with my ninja gear.

"Um…" Speechless for not a great many times in his life, Sarutobi struggled with his response, "Well, I'm…I'm glad you found that out while you're young yet. That's…that's super. Jiraiya. I'm proud of you."

"I know," Jiraiya smiled insanely. "Just think of what kind of advantage I have over Orochimaru and Tsunade now."

"…Jiraiya?"

"Yes sensei?"

"…Nevermind…"

"Well if you need me I'll be guarding my stash. There's a vendor downtown who can help you get that started."

With that, Jiraiya walked off his lawn.

.

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_P.S.: Drugs are never ok. = )  
-Caliko_


	12. Mindsweeper

_From Princes Familiar_

**Author's Note:** I used to play 'Minesweeper'. Then I was doing something, and I played it again recently. It is a deeply psychological game, that's how I've always felt. I love it, and hate it, because I seldom win. I'm a horrible player. I always feel so bad I hit a mine and possibly level a small village in the middle of nowhere. = ( There is some kind of logic to it I know, but it's hard. Later on in the night I had a brilliant thought. This is what resulted.

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12. _**Mindsweeper**_

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On a sunny afternoon, in the middle of nowhere, the game arose.

Ok, it arose in the night, actually, like a nocturnal flower—stationary and beautiful. Seductive, too. Sleek walls as petals and a front-view mirror like a woman's compact, but better. And it wasn't actually in the middle of nowhere. It landed on one of the main drags where everyone was sure to see it standing there, beckoning. Calling. Oh it was a peculiar whistle. A cool gloss of the screen flashed curiously and the buttons called, yearning for movement. By sunrise, the genin were playing with it. Coming into town for the chuunin exams no less, it spoke in muffled arcade tones to their cheerful, youthful faces and rosy cheeks: "Hi. Nice to meet you. Can you beat me?"

Morning, the special jounin had some kicks getting rid of loose change.

Brunch, the chuunin were raving before going off to watch the matches.

Lunch, the genin who lost came back to play, push, and boggle at the sheer stupidity of the thing, thus losing interest after a while, and hitting the marketplace.

In the afternoon, it's presence (we should say) arose and made itself known before Hatake Sakumo of the hidden leaf. A jounin he is. Just came back from a mission, he did. Intrigued he was. Then infatuated, he became.

Jiraiya and Orochimaru watched.

"There is one square left…" Sweat poured from the Shiroi Kiba's brow in no delicate fashion whatsoever.

"You mean there's one ninja bomb left," Jiraiya pointed out.

"Don't rush me!" Sakumo raised his hand feverishly.

He had been here for the past thirty minutes. In dirty clothes. A frantic countenance. A peculiar sense of relief and fanaticism sweeping over him, hovering over this 'game'. After watching Jiraiya play juvenilely and Orochimaru clear all the levels expertly and intuitively, Sakumo had yet to win a game. Jiraiya watched the man and the screen. Orochimaru said nothing as Sakumo finally made his choice.

"AH HELL!"

Sakumo crooned.

"Let me do the next one!" Jiraiya pushed the jounin's arm, but Sakumo suddenly glued himself to the device. "Get away! I gotta play!"

Realizing Sakumo was now entering serious zealot mode, Jiraiya looked on at the scene with some careful amusement. Amused since Sakumo wasn't winning, and careful since the man could have a heart attack for how worked up he was over the game and it's difficultly. On the battlefield, Sakumo was always intuitive. In the virtual square, Sakumo was obliterating the land acre by acre. _Oh what pain!_

Sakumo pushed a random square on the new game and immediately lost. "AH!"

"Ha ha… Found the ninja bomb again you did…!" Jiraiya chuckled.

"Jiraiya, as I told you before, the point is to _NOT_ find the bombs," Sakumo informed who only learned to play the game a half an hour ago. "Wait…" Sakumo attended to his logic—"I mean, _yes_, the point is to_ find_ the bombs, but not to _uncover_ them."

"Oh really…" Jiraiya remarked, trying to keep from splitting his insides laughing.

"We really didn't know that…" supplied Orochimaru and his dry humor, his cheeks grinning pale white.

"AH! Be quiet!" Sakumo waved them off. "I need _silence_…"

Jiraiya let out a snigger and raised his eyebrows over onto Orochimaru in a rather amused fashion.

Orochimaru smirked at Hatake Sakumo's backside, losing again.

Tsunade appeared. Tsunade noticed the game. Smooth and black it stood along the serene walk through town where quite a few people were passing through today. A silver-white haired man's ponytail was visible inside the cavernous display, along with her teammates nearby. Imagine that! All three of them right there today in one place! Compelled to investigate, she was shocked to hear colorful metaphors coming from Hatake Sakumo's mouth.

"Hi Tsunade," said Jiraiya unoblivious to her presence unlike Shiroi Kiba.

"Hi…Jiraiya…Orochimaru…"

"Oh God dammit!" Sakumo hit the reset button for the seventy-second time.

"Hi…Sakumo-san…"

Sakumo was pushing buttons.

"I think he is disturbed," offered Orochimaru.

"I think he's enthralled," described Jiraiya.

"I think…he has a fever…" she looked at Sakumo from a medical perspective.

All of the jounin's concentration was on the game—watching him for a half a minute longer, clearly Sakumo once again had made it to the point where he had one more square to deduce. "Come on Sakumo," said Jiraiya under false pretences. "You can do it."

"Shush…" murmured the mad man. "I'm trying to think logically about this."

"Of course you are," said Jiraiya.

"We wouldn't think anything less." said Orochimaru.

"We know you wouldn't intentionally lose…" said Tsunade.

"We know you wouldn't _intentionally_ level an _entire_ _village_ with one push of a button…" Jiraiya whispered in his captain's ear.

"Jiraiya…" Tsunade's smile betrayed her narrowed eyes.

Orochimaru covered his mouth.

"…"

_**NINJA BOMB!**_

"GAME OVER!"

X (

"Oh my GOD!" Sakumo covered his eyes in defeat and shame while the men laughed their hitai-ate off.

"…Play again?"

"GAH!" Sakumo pulled his hair, thankfully not out…

Tsunade crept in closer as Sakumo was twirling about in some self-deprecating dance of shame and moral fury—"Oh…He's…only on the easy level…?"

And she began laughing too.

"SOMEBODY GIVE ME A NICKEL TO TRY AGAIN. PLEASE."

"Ok Sakumo, here's your heroin…" Jiraiya gave it to him. "I'm going to the market to get some change," he jerked his thumb in the direction while Sakumo was already beginning the new game, "This is so worth it." Jiraiya sounded pleased.

"I'll go too," said Orochimaru, pulling out his money.

"Stay here in case he faints…or something," asked Jiraiya.

"What if he wants to take the game home when it gets dark?"

"Oh I think it'll be jammed up with nickels by the time he's through."

Tsunade looked back at Sakumo.

Smooth and black.

White and frantic.

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.

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_-Caliko_


	13. Drunken Special

_From Princes Familiar_

**Author's Note: **Jiraiya and Sakumo forever. XD

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13. _**Drunken Special**_

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"Hey hey hey Sakumo—there he is."

Wobbly-legged Sakumo was sitting next to him in the bar area, half holding the rim of a cup of something. He tried to stand but Jiraiya's firm, wide palm halted the shaking shoulder in progress. "Sakumo…" he said, noticing the jounin's eyes, "You're drunk!"

"Abso-fragging—yes."

Jiraiya blinked. "At a time like THIS?"

Sakumo eyed him curiously.

"Why? I ordered that so we could be_ inconspicuous_."

"You're always trying to get me to drink, Jii…Whattsamatter?"

"Holy cheese and macaroni. You've been dry too long, haven't you…? You're like a sponge. Once you're finally all dry and crumbly for five years that's when you go and indulge. It's like a secret program in your brain."

Sakumo's head teetered from side to side, a faint smile in his eyes.

"When's the last time you drank?"

Sakumo considered. "Orochimaru's birthday party, nineteen fourty-seven."

"…Sakumo. That's not even a real date."

"Yes it was. You had one. She was rather pretty…" Sakumo smiled. "You upset her though, and she never went out with you again. Of course—You are right…I tend…" he touched his chest and blinked his pink, burning eyes, "Not to drink at all, but that stuff is _awesome_—did you try some…?"

Jiraiya's eyes got dim, wondering how they were going to catch the evil _ukenin_now. The sage finished thinking and decided, "I'm going after him," and stood.

Sakumo looked up in inebriated confusion. "You're going after yourself?" Sakumo stood and contained his large subordinate by the shoulder, "Oh no Jiraiya, you should not feel guilty, these things just happen."

Jiraiya deadpanned. The _ukenin_noticed them and grew a worried look on his face. "He knows who we are!" Jiraiya said.

"Who? You?"

"The _ukenin_!"

"Where's an ukenin?"

"Over! There!" The ukenin stood. Jiraiya nearly leapt onto him to everyone's sudden surprise in the bar, but it was just a chair now—"_Get_ him _Sakumo!"_

Confused, Sakumo ran after the fleeing man on the street, "Halt! Jiraiya commands it that you Halt! Personally, I don't remember anything about it, I…" Sakumo tripped over a trap set by the ukenin and some sense was consequently knocked back into him for the moment: "BASTARD!"

Hatake Sakumo easily caught the ninja and tied him up.

"Well done!" Jiraiya cheered and lugged the man bound in rope behind his back. "We can return to the village now."

"I wasn't done with that drink yet."

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn't."

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn't."

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn't."

"YES. You were."

"NO. I wasn't."

"Yes…you were." Hypnotism.

"No…I wasn't." Half-baked genjutsu.

"Yes you were!" Shouting.

"No I wasn't!" Nonesense.

The ukenin suddenly muffled something to break the exchange. Jiraiya took off the tape from his mouth and let him add: "Sorry—I was just screaming that this is the worst torture—I mean capture I have ever endured."

"How many have you endured?" asked Jiraiya.

"Ninety-three."

"Ooh."

"Did it look like I was done with that drink?" said Sakumo to the man.

"…It did _not_look like you were done. No."

"Sakumooo…"

"See? He agrees with me."

"Well tell you what. I'll get this guy to the village, and then I'll come back for you."

"Why don't we just let him drink with us? The more the merri—"

"Sakumo! He is a convicted outlaw! He might trick you!"

"Jiraiya. Do you know who you're talking to?"

"I do now…" Jiraiya batted away the ego rising to his eye level in the air even though Sakumo was wobbling away under it.

"Then come on!" Sakumo walked backwards. "Tally forth!"

"No. I've got to lock him up first before he frees even a pinky to attempt the escape jutsu."

"Oh everybody can do escape jutsu, that's easy—" Sakumo suddenly lost his balance for the moment and tipped over. "Jiraiya…?"

"…Yes?"

"Why did the sky just move?"

"Wow. He's really drunk," commented the ukenin.

"Coming from someone like you," said Jiraiya, "I'm sure he'll take that as a compliment when he sobers up."

"When will that be?"

Jiraiya smiled. "Not long now. Although that stuff must have been pretty potent…It's just too bad he picks a time when we have something to do."

"Were we doing something?" asked Sakumo in a haze.

"Yes we were going to Orochimaru's birthday party in ten minutes. We were bringing the piñata."

"Oh, my! What will I do! I can't show myself like this! I'm a mess!" said Sakumo still lying on the ground.

Jiraiya laughed. "It's okay Sakumo. We're only going back to the village. Orochimaru's birthday was yesterday. You missed it."

"Now you're just screwing with me."

Jiraiya grinned. "Perhaps."

"Ohh when I get sober you're gonna get it."

"Okay Sakumo. Okay."

Jiraiya came back for him later.

Funny thing, Sakumo had barely moved from the spot. "I was waiting for you," he explained slyly.

Jiraiya bit his tongue to keep from laughing up his intestines.

"What? Don't you believe me?" said Sakumo indignantly, staggering on Jiraiya's helping arm.

"Of course I believe you. I would never mess with you Sakumo."

"Ah…good…"

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_-Caliko_


	14. Rival

_From Princes Familiar_

**Author's Note:** Though I didn't know it at the start—a small dedication to beginnings. Everybody has 'em.

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14. _**Rival**_

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Sakumo stared across the lake with a torrid stare atop a rigid body.

Tsunade looked too.

He was unmoving and warm. His muscles were tensed and tight. He eyes were even and filled with something on the controlled side of rage. Tsunade had never seen him so perturbed by the stranger's presence across the calm lake, limpid with the reflection of the clouds above. Tsunade squinted a little to see the stranger's form. All black. Cloaked. Clean white face. She opened her mouth but thought better of it. Even Sakumo wouldn't stand the silence much longer.

"Look at him," said the leaf shinobi tersely.

"…I'm looking…" but Tsunade couldn't see what the fuss was about yet.

Sakumo sighed. "Don't you recognize him?"

"No."

"Him. Of the Grass. The man who foiled me two years ago at a campsite. _That_ man."

The memory still did not push off any cymbal clashing in her mind but she nodded anyway. "So…"

Sakumo wouldn't move.

"Not going to say '_hi_'…" Tsunade murmured inquisitively.

"We've already said it."

Suddenly, the man began moving left.

Subsequently…Sakumo began moving right.

The man from Kusa stopped.

So did Sakumo.

Tsunade pursed her lips, beginning to stiffen herself, watching this strange, dangerous greeting. It would have been funny if the man opposite the placid lake were Jiraiya, yet something told her it was much deeper than that. "Captain…Sa…ku…"

The kunai blade flew across the water fast—the man on the opposite side blocked and sent his own whirling back across the lake—Sakumo easily deflected it harmlessly aside as he leapt onto the water without making a ripple on the surface—the man came forward and the fight commenced. Forced to keep out of it due to some sort of manly grudge, Tsunade stood and watched, keeping an eye on both fighters, sensing Sakumo was holding his own very well—yet the other man intrigued her. He was quick, lethal, and handsome, whoever he was. A man a little older than Sakumo from greying brown hair he appeared highly intellectual and precise—the kind of fighter Sakumo admired. The man from Kusa matched all advances—their blades clinked faster and faster and Tsunade struggled to keep up. The fight raged on. Faster and faster they fought hand to hand, blade to blade, without making a wave upon the water. Tsunade became nervous for a moment as the action paused in a still frame—their weapons locked and reflected on the glassy surface below…

At long last the Kusa man was sweating under some enormous pressure. Sakumo was winded, but unmoved. They broke apart over few yards distance. Sakumo's eyes were steel locked on the Kusa man. "Ok…ok…" said the man from the land of grass… "I can't keep up the disguise any longer…!"

…Poof.

"…Jiraiya…" Tsunade's voice was exceptionally flat.

Sakumo turned quickly, "No! _Not _Jiraiya! Don't you see it? How could you not see your own husband!"

Jiro smiled.

"…Ohhh…sweet Kami…" the cymbals clashed and she put a hand on her migraine from all the noise.

Nohara attacked with fury, "I _WILL_ get that manuscript from _you!"_

Mr Deguchi laughed breathlessly, "_NEVER!"_

.

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-Caliko

(…you've just been had.)

: 3


	15. Crop Chronicles Number One

_Princes Familiar_

**Author's Note**: I have several of these, regarding this nature in mind and in store, thus the title. They may not come out all in succession, but here is the first! I sincerely hope you enjoy!

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15._** Crop Chronicles Number One**_

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Jiraiya spun around—twenty-seven thumps were heard in the immediate area almost all at once (because they had counted whilst on the hill you know), and they all satisfyingly hit the ground with no bloodshed nor scene. It was like they all just fell asleep! Jiraiya said as much, adding in a growl, "…showoff."

Sakumo dusted his pants—"Oh, Jiraiya," he sounded very casual, "You aren't done with your third one yet."

Jiraiya had just speed enough in those times of great unforeseen impending peril that he was in fact able to block the genin's bold kunai with a screech from only two shuriken on Jiraiya's opposing fingers. "…Little help?"

Sakumo merely stood there.

And unfortunately the genin was just strong enough that Jiraiya could not tear his eyes away from the young man's bold form. Sakumo yawned.

"…SAKUMO!" Jiraiya squealed—the genin would not give in, matching power and hold for hold.

"Really Jiraiya. What would you want me to do?"

"Oh…Yawn a little louder? Go out for some ramen…? LIFT a FINGER maybe?!"

Sakumo lifted a finger. "Ah—dirt. In my fingernail. Probably from those radishes I pulled early this morning. Do you all like radishes?"

Jiraiya roared—the genin flinched, but did not give in. "YES SAKUMO, RADISHES ARE YUMMY."

"What about you?" said Sakumo.

The genin mumbled under the strain, "Oh yes. Radishes…Good."

"THERE, YOU HAVE A CONSENSUS NOW, SAKUMO."

Sakumo's eyes smiled…Jiraiya pulled away and so did the genin, who, seeing he was the last man standing of his group, raised his hands slowly, his kunai loose in his right hand. Sakumo stared at him. "I will give you some radishes if you leave now."

"Sure…sure…Ok…"

"You can do the leaving part right now," Sakumo informed with something more within his stare.

"Oh…kay…" The genin retreated at once, out of sight.

Jiraiya marched straight over to Sakumo…

WHIP! was the backlash sound of Jiraiya's heavy white hair as Jiraiya's arm swung so quick over Sakumo's shoulder but Sakumo had half-expected it and blocked in time—"Locked again." Sakumo said, a hint of a smile in his calm voice.

Jiraiya growled in the face of Sakumo's unaltered suave, "NOT FOR LONG!" Jiraiya said and with a slightly manic roar, spun, faked, lifted off the ground, and reduced Sakumo to a log—Jiraiya turned and hit the ground fiercely with his fist, planting a decoy while seeking his partner. Jiraiya leapt! Sakumo moved! Jiraiya flung weapons in a certain direction! Sakumo was diverted in a certain direction! The real Jiraiya leaps like a red and white frog from the ground! Sakumo…!

Jiraiya yelled again in frustration of a falling log. "When I get you Sakumo, I am so gonna GET YOU!"

Sakumo dropped down again and laughed lightly. "If you leave, I'll give you a whole basketful of radishes."

Jiraiya stood his ground and pointed—"LIKE I'LL FALL FOR THAT OLD ONE!" He made the shinobi sign at his forefront underneath his chin, and then a more adequate sign requiring only one finer pointing at Sakumo, "Come on," Jiraiya's eyes did not blink, "Let's do this real, man to man!"

Sakumo cocked his head, "Shouldn't we help Orochimaru first?"

"He can handle himself."

"Yes I handled myself."

Sakumo stole a glance at the entrance of the super-secret hold—Orochimaru was holding in his left hand the unconscious scruff of the neck of a chuunin and in his right was the scroll they had come for. "There were only fifteen inside."

"You'd think they were having a convention!" Sakumo remarked, surprised.

"They're all sleeping now."

"Yes!" Jiraiya said. "Come on Sakumo, bring it! Bring it on!"

"What is this about?" Orochimaru asked pleasantly.

"I threatened him with radishes."

"Radishes, radishes, radishes! He threatened me with radishes!"

"Oh dear…radishes," said Orochimaru seriously. "I remember that ploy."

"PLOY IS AN EXCELLENT _WORD_ OROCHIMARU!"

"I was confronted with radishes once," said Orochimaru factually to his embarrassment.

"And did you take them?" said Sakumo.

"Yes I did. And they were very good."

"HA!" Jiraiya's stance remained steadfast, "Your radishes are terrible!" Jiraiya's eyes were still locked on Sakumo. "They're…_rotten_."

"Jiraiya, do not dismiss his radishes," said Orochimaru gravely. "It is his greatest bargaining tool."

"My radishes are the best in the world," stated Sakumo. "People would line up in droves for my radishes."

"Ha!" said Jiraiya, "LIAR, LIAR!"

Sakumo's posture changed. He lowered and lengthened it, outstretching his hands in the same fashion except without the crude hand gesture. "Do not dismiss my radishes. Jiraiya. Your last warning. Leave now and I will give you a basketful of radishes."

"HAVE A BASKETFULLASUMMA _THIS!"_ Jiraiya charged and appeared behind Sakumo, who was knocked backward some fifteen yards. Jiraiya wasted no time, but Sakumo was able to regain his position so Orochimaru had a prime view of the scene. And he thus waited there for the moment. With martial arts, the ninja clashed, kicked, punched, bounded, dodged, and exchanged blows again at a frightening speed. Both men in combat began to sweat fast, weaving in and out of each other's throws and misses—Sakumo nearly lost his footing but caught the above draft and landed again—Jiraiya went on him again—and again. They began slowly to tire—and with chakra on his hands bounding off the slippery ground, Jiraiya pinned Sakumo's left leg but Sakumo swerved his upper torso and knocked Jiraiya away in time. Back and forth the spar wore on until at last they stood panting, dirty, and heaving, only eight feet apart.

Jiraiya had his hands on his haunches as sweat dripped from his face and brow like a leaking faucet. Sakumo's stance was tight and weaving slightly. "Okay…_you_…" Jiraiya announced after he caught his breath still in the last series of punches. "You scheming, lazy, too good for everyone, strong showoff, invincible, son of a…radish…This…will be…our last exchange."

Sakumo lowered.

Orochimaru stopped looking at his own fingernails and looked up. He was reminded of two great superheroes (or villains) as they both said…

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

…And…

...Clash.

Sakumo stood the winner.

Jiraiya stood the loser. He mumbled off a strong of indecencies about it but it wasn't until he mentioned the word 'radish' that Sakumo charged back and held Jiraiya's collar tightly—"Never…diss…my radishes."

Jiraiya stuck out his tongue in the back of the leaf trio as they walked on toward home. Then, tired and aching, they heard the dangerous sounds of rustling from the bushes. Orochimaru took the lead and fished him out with a blade near his neck—"W-wait!" It—It's only me! It's just…those radishes sounded so good, that I…"

"…Radishes, radishes, radishes…" Jiraiya grinned toothily.

"You would like your radishes now?" said Sakumo.

"Um…please?" The genin looked hopeful.

"Once you receive them, you must promise to tell everyone you know that they are the best in the world."

"Um…ok. I promise."

Sakumo reached in the back of his pack, "I only have half a dozen with me right now. Here you are!"

The genin accepted them after Orochimaru withdrew, and with a small smile, the genin too a big bite…

The genin made a horrible, burning face…"Oh…dear—dear _Kami_…! Th-these…these are awful…!"

Sakumo stole Orochimaru's blade and replaced the stance in an instant in hazard—the genin trembled instantly. "I…I mean…holy shit…I have never tasted a better radish than this in…all of my life…I…I can't wait to tell my friends…how…awesome these were…"

Sakumo withdrew.

The three leaf shinobi left on their merry way.

"…Hey, Sakumo…" asked Jiraiya with a sly smile after a few minutes, "…How'd your corn do this year…?"

"It is the best tasting corn in all of the world."

Jiraiya held in a snigger on a grand scale—Orochimaru's pale quickly erased his smile when Sakumo looked his way.

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_-Caliko_


End file.
